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Leaked Memo Reveals Strategy The 'Weekly' Nabs Inside Dope From The Gore Camp. By Susan Zakin FROM: Neil Moscowitz, Kennedy School graduate, bright young man, aide de camp to the Democratic National Committee (DNC) TO: The DNC Hey, guys. I got it! We could have elected Al without Florida. You heard me. Without Palm Beach. Without chads, pregnant, indented or mistakenly punched for Pat, who's been known to do a little punching himself, heh, heh. All we needed was the West. No, not the west side, even though I agree, everyone should have access to Zabar's. No, not L.A., either. With David Geffen and Jeff Katzenberg on our side, who needs to organize there? I mean the Real West. Telecommuters in Crested Butte. Construction workers in Phoenix. Intel engineers in Albuquerque. Restaurateurs. Green chile farmers. College professors. Really, guys. They live in the West and they vote. If B.W. (Big Wonk, Al's Secret Service code name) had just landed for a few minutes in the Great Flyover, we could have wrapped this baby up. You don't believe me? How about a little arithmetic? If B.W. had won Arizona, Nevada, New Mexico and Colorado he would have gotten 25 more electoral votes, a lot more than he needed to cross the magic 270, and without Florida. If you think about it, B.W. could have nailed it with a driveby at my Grandma Sadie's in Scottsdale and a couple of TV ads. That's right. Arizona could have swung the election. Remember, Arizona went to Clinton once. B.W. could have touched down on his way to Hollywood, just to remind our beloved oldsters that they'd have prescription drug coverage if they voted for him. Oh, and by the way, he could have just happened to mention that Social Security and Medicare would be in that lockbox. (Arizona's retired Mafiosi might worry that this was like locking someone in a car trunk, but civilians would get the message. I think B.W. did just fine with that in the debates.) I mean, we're pretty sure Oregon and New Mexico are gonna fall into line, with 7 votes in Oregon and 5 in New Mexico. B.W.'s got 255 now. So Arizona's 8 lousy votes could have elected our guy. But Arizona's just one example. Sure, Colorado had a bigger spread in this game, 9 points. But 5 percent of the vote went to Ralph. (Can you believe that guy? I'm still in shock. Talk about someone who won't listen to reason.) Arguably, in a normal election, support for the Democrats would be stronger. The West is changing. Take that high-tech woman, Maria Cantwell. It's looking good for her in Washington state's U.S. Senate race. Of course, they're still counting the votes there, too. Who isn't? But it looks like we'll finally get a chance to get rid of Slade Gorton, who's been gumming up the works for years. Microsoft millionaires like Cantwell are the future out there in the New West and we better get with the program or they'll go over to the Republicans. I know we paid a lot of attention to Oregon and Washington this time around. But we ignored the rest of the West just like we always do. I guarantee you, if we had followed what I'm calling my "Western Strategy" we wouldn't be suffering through what those jackal headline-writers are calling our national civics lesson. Let me tell you about the unintended consequences of the Western Strategy. Guess what! They're all good. A Democratic Party in the West that had some kind of discernable pulse would have all kinds of side benefits. You don't believe me? Take a look at the environment. No, not lawn care. No, I know that's important, you read about it in Harper's from that writer whose sister is married to Michael J. Fox. Suburbia. It's our heritage. Right. But I'm talking about something else. I'm talking about a chance to kick out all those old right-wing guys from the West who never seem to go away or die or move to Florida like other old people. Guys like Larry Craig, Pete Domenici or especially that loudmouth from Alaska, Don Young. The one who calls environmentalists a bunch of Harvard-educated wafflestompers? (As someone who not only attended the Kennedy School but also survived a truly grueling Outward Bound course, only calling my parents to rescue me when things got really bad on the second day, this one "riles" me.) We might even get some decent funding for the Park Service. You know the Park Service, right? That Babbitt guy really isn't so bad. He's kinda like one of us. (I have it on very good authority that he's an Ivy graduate.) But that's the least of it. Think about it, guys. The population in this part of the country is set to almost double in the next 50 years. We're talking suburban voters! Swing voters! Mexicans! Glad I could help. And if B.W. does win, I mean, not that I'm suggesting that he won't, well, I have a very strong background in ... (Editor's note: The memo was torn here, so we were unable to supply you with the rest of it. We assume that Moskowitz was angling for a job. If so, we think he should get it.)
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